These were the things I used to probably be scared of, hence the compulsion to fill my days with fodder. Now, I know I still appreciate the invites, but when they come spontaneously and fully grasp what I just said yes to, I’m filled with more longing for the quiet night I gave up, instead of excitement at the hubbub I’m about to engage in.
So the family member whose husband passed, the one I spoke of a month ago, has finally been able to go back home to the province. First off, let’s note how long that took! She got news of her husband’s passing last month, and we were only able to book her a flight home exactly a month later.
I find it interesting how the world transforms when all power gets cut and there is a blackout. It’s as if we’re living in an alternate universe where what occupies our time, what catches our attention, and what we spend effort on drastically changes.
The lack of human connection or just the general inaccessibility to this, relative to how easy it used to be before the pandemic, I think has hit me hard today again after a long time. The day just felt so lonely and overwhelming and I don’t know why. There weren’t any notable differences in the weight of the concerns I had to deal with. Maybe it was all in my head. But I don’t really know what made me feel heavier today than all the other days.