Drowning in the Silence

Sometimes, I would find myself walking around at home and randomly missing the times when friends would come over. It was as easy and as automatic and even as mundane as putting on socks or brushing my teeth. They would just say they wanted to come over, I’d have only to wait a few minutes to probably a little over an hour, and there they’d be. Life was definitely so spontaneous, so random, so filled with unplanned crystals of excitement. At least that’s how it seems in my head when it’s full of longing for how things used to be.


Yet, in a lot of ways, I’m also really enjoying the quiet days and nights at home now. When I’d go out for my occasional errand, I’d find myself getting tired with the idea that I used to do this daily, sometimes seven days a week even. Now, just thinking about it makes me tired.


But more than that, I can’t stand the idea of not having my daily dose of silence. Just one day out is enough noise for the week, or so it seems to me now. It’s probably just because it’s what I’m used to now, but nevertheless, it’s an authentic feeling.


When the quarantines started, people would set Zoom parties in the same frequency we used to see each other when physical contact was still the norm. It was every Tuesday if that was the group’s routine, or your typical Friday or Saturday night group date. Now, I can’t even squeeze in a video call even if it’s just to turn off other applications on my phone or laptop to talk to friends. It’s weird. It’s like, the noisier it is, the noisier I want to keep it. But the quieter it is, the quieter I’d rather have things as well.


I guess that’s really the way life works. You get to be more prolific at something if you keep doing it. You’d keep wanting the same thing, even if it seems routine. It’s the same when I write. The more I write, the more I get to write. But when I stop, it’s like I forget I was actually doing that or had the ability to do that. It’s funny. But it’s one of the truest things I’ve witnessed in my life, across the board.


In a way, this really emphasizes how much we should be choosing what we want, and choose it all the time, because we definitely get more and more of it. It’s a law of attraction thing, I guess? The more focused you are on something, the more of it you’ll get. It seems inevitable.


Wow, just writing that realization down makes me feel so powerful. It’s like I really create my own reality with what I choose to think, do, and how I spend my time. Does that sound elementary? It may be to some. But I never really knew any better until I concretized the thought at this moment. Feels pretty crazy. And empowering. I better do this more.

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