I love the sense of freedom elicited from not having to wake up with an alarm. I gift myself these kinds of days at least once during the weekends. I got two of them for this one weekend, and it’s a different level of fulfillment. I want to continue to revel in my worthiness of sleeping in when I want to. Somehow, somewhere along the way, being an adult equated to being irresponsible or unworthy if you slept until whenever time you wanted. I want to rid myself of these conventional biases and just be able to give myself what I want especially when it’s reasonable and especially when it gives me happiness.
I found that so much anxiety is derived from the thought of not measuring up to expectations other people have of me. A lot of them are also imagined, so it’s like I’m stressing myself out unnecessarily. And the non-alarm days are something I want to gift to myself as long as they aren’t excessive and irresponsible, as long as they fall on the weekends at least 99.99% of the time, and as long as they still feel good to me.
This brings me to a realization that’s become more and more apparent to me the past couple of days or months – that one of the greatest paradoxes of life is that the way to be truly unselfish and of service to others is to be fully selfish to yourself and to your happiness. That the only way you can give others what they truly need in the best possible way is if you’ve given yourself all the love, kindness, worthiness, and happiness that you can muster. What others receive from you is what you are carrying inside. I found that the people who have been rude, unloving, harsh, unfair, unkind, and unjust to me are often those who harbor an unconscious hatred towards themselves. They rarely give themselves a break; they feel that being overworked, unhappy, and angry is a badge of honor; and they feel that their sacrifices and the times they’ve pinched themselves off from experiencing joy are what will give them the greatest rewards. Sadly, this translates to moments that are only seen as stepping stones towards some final destination – a paycheck, a material manifestation, a status symbol – but it never really gives them lasting happiness. And the moments that led up to their perceived final goal were all made gracelessly, distastefully, and just unenjoyably overall – both for them and everyone else they stepped on to get there.
The only way I can give others happiness is if I have enough of it to give in my heart. My not getting out of bed when I need or want to may sound far-fetched from this goal, but it’s a great way to refill my reserves of happiness, so that I can be happy enough when I give to others as well. I hope other people can give themselves these little gifts when they can, too, especially those who’ve always trained themselves to be or feel unworthy.
On another note, all my sleeping in this weekend actually left me feeling like I got too much! Haha! That’s so great though – I have enough reserves to start the work week as early as it demands of me. :))